Author Topic: Office Jokes  (Read 12914 times)

Offline Shamim Ansary

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Office Jokes
« on: August 29, 2010, 12:48:31 PM »
Government Workers

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth was a Government Worker.
To show off, the Engineer called to his dog, "T-square, do your stuff!". T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff!". Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.

Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff!". Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was good. The three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?". The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff!". Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave.
« Last Edit: August 29, 2010, 01:38:30 PM by Shamim Ansary »
"Many thanks to Allah who gave us life after having given us death and (our) final return (on the Day of Qiyaamah (Judgement)) is to Him"

Offline Shamim Ansary

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Office Jokes
« Reply #1 on: August 29, 2010, 01:37:43 PM »
New Age Office Terminology

ADMINISHPERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

ALPHA GEEK: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

CHAINSAW CONSULTANT: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

CHIPS & SALSA: Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem is in your chips or your salsa.

CLM -Career Limiting Move: Used to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

DILBERTED: To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the comic strip character. "Ive been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."

FLIGHT RISK: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

GOOD JOB: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" Job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

IDEA HAMSTERS: People who always seem to have their idea generator running.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generations answer to the couch potato.

OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that youve just made a BIG mistake.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and peoples heads pop up over the walls to see whats going on.

SITCOMs: (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage) What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

TOURISTS: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs.

TREEWARE: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

UMFRIEND: A personal relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Dylan, my ... um ... friend."

UNINSTALLED: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice-mail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an Uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance. *(Syn: decruitment.)

XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from ones workplace.

YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after lunch, "We each owe $8, but all anybodys got are yuppie food stamps."

404: Someone whos clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Dont bother asking him; Hes 404, man."
"Many thanks to Allah who gave us life after having given us death and (our) final return (on the Day of Qiyaamah (Judgement)) is to Him"

Offline bidita

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Re: Office Jokes
« Reply #2 on: August 29, 2010, 06:36:17 PM »
First one is the nice one...How funny......
Bidita Rahman :)
Id: 092-11-956
23rd batch
Department of Business Administration
School of Business
Daffodil International University
latifa@diu.edu.bd

Offline Shamim Ansary

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Re: Office Jokes
« Reply #3 on: August 30, 2010, 02:13:12 PM »
The Only Worker Around

I'm tired. For a couple years, Ive been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out it ain't that. I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country (the USA) is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.

This leaves 19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.

There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.

Oh Dear . . . And you're sitting there reading this. No wonder I'm tired, I'm the only one working!
"Many thanks to Allah who gave us life after having given us death and (our) final return (on the Day of Qiyaamah (Judgement)) is to Him"

Offline Shamim Ansary

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Re: Office Jokes
« Reply #4 on: August 30, 2010, 02:22:42 PM »
Casual Fridays

Memo 1: Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day so that employees may express their diversity.

Memo 2: Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.

Memo 3: Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Fridays wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.

Memo 4: A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. Fashion show to follow. Attendance is mandatory.

Memo 5: As an outgrowth of Fridays seminar, the Committee On Committees has appointed a 14-member Casual Day Task Force to prepare guidelines for proper dress.

Memo 6: The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual. A copy of "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards" has been mailed to each employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "Home Casual" versus "Business Casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.

Memo 7: Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been discontinued, effective immediately.
"Many thanks to Allah who gave us life after having given us death and (our) final return (on the Day of Qiyaamah (Judgement)) is to Him"

Offline bidita

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Re: Office Jokes
« Reply #5 on: August 30, 2010, 07:15:01 PM »
.
Good clean jokes for the whole family to enjoy, nicely illustrated Mr. Ansary , just good clean fun jokes can enjoy.......I share one jokes

Robert went to his lawyer and said, 'I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it.'   The lawyer smiled at Robert and replied, 'Not a problem, leave it all to me.'  Good jokes

Robert looked somewhat upset and said, 'Well, I knew you were going to take a big portion, but I would like to leave a little to my family too!'
Bidita Rahman :)
Id: 092-11-956
23rd batch
Department of Business Administration
School of Business
Daffodil International University
latifa@diu.edu.bd

Offline Shamim Ansary

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How to Write Good (A Joke)
« Reply #6 on: September 06, 2010, 03:04:54 PM »
1. Avoid alliteration. Always.

2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.

3. The adverb always follows the verb.

4. Employ the vernacular.

5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.

7. Remember to never split an infinitive.

8. Contractions arent necessary.

9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

10. One should never generalize.

11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

13. Dont be redundant; dont use more words than necessary; its highly superfluous.

14. Be more or less specific.

15. Understatement is always best.

16. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

17. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

18. The passive voice is to be avoided.

19. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

20. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

21. Who needs rhetorical questions?

22. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

23. Don't never use a double negation.

24. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point

25. Do not put statements in the negative form.

26. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.

27. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.

28. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.

29. A writer must not shift your point of view.

30. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)

31. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!!!!!!

32. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.

33. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.

34. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.

35. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.

36. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.

37. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.

38. Always pick on the correct idiom.

39. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; they're old hat; seek viable alternatives.

(** It is mere a joke, try to get the point of humour lies in each point, please don't take it for serious purpose)
« Last Edit: November 07, 2010, 03:17:18 PM by Shamim Ansary »
"Many thanks to Allah who gave us life after having given us death and (our) final return (on the Day of Qiyaamah (Judgement)) is to Him"

Offline bidita

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Re: Office Jokes
« Reply #7 on: September 07, 2010, 02:46:14 PM »
Handy post .....Mr Ansary...
Bidita Rahman :)
Id: 092-11-956
23rd batch
Department of Business Administration
School of Business
Daffodil International University
latifa@diu.edu.bd

Offline ashiqbest012

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Re: Office Jokes
« Reply #8 on: September 07, 2010, 02:48:28 PM »
Nice ....
Name: Ashiq Hossain
ID: 121-14-696 & 083-11-558
Faculty of Business & Economics
Daffodil International University
Cell:01674-566806

Offline Shamim Ansary

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Starting Salary
« Reply #9 on: September 08, 2010, 02:03:04 PM »
Starting Salary

Fresh out of Business School, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself. "I need someone with an Accounting Degree," the man said. "But mainly, Im looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"Excuse me?" the young accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the young accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"

"I will start you at 1,00,000 Taka."

"One-Lakh Taka!" the young accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
"Many thanks to Allah who gave us life after having given us death and (our) final return (on the Day of Qiyaamah (Judgement)) is to Him"

Offline Yousuf.Chy

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Re: Office Jokes
« Reply #10 on: September 19, 2010, 06:48:05 PM »
"New Age Office Terminology" Is very interesting. Thanks for posting.
Yousuf Chowdhury
Student Counselor,
Daffodil International University
Member, DIUAA
Cell: +880 01713493051.
E-mail: yousuf.chy@daffodilvarsity.edu.bd

Offline Shamim Ansary

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Re: Office Jokes
« Reply #11 on: September 20, 2010, 11:00:01 AM »
Ultimate Resume

...   The ultimate guide to what _not_ to put on a resume...

These are some (allegedly) real-life examples:

=> "Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."
=> "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
=> "My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."
=> "Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."
=> "Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."
=> "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
=> "I am a rabit typist."
=> "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."
=> "Proven ability to track down and correct errors."
=> "Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."
=> "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."
=> "References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."
=> "Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."
=> "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
=> "I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."
=> "I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice-mail."
=> "Qualifications: No education or experience."
=> "Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."
=> Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"
« Last Edit: September 20, 2010, 11:01:48 AM by Shamim Ansary »
"Many thanks to Allah who gave us life after having given us death and (our) final return (on the Day of Qiyaamah (Judgement)) is to Him"

Offline jafar_bre

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Re: Office Jokes
« Reply #12 on: September 24, 2010, 11:46:39 AM »
may be we  write this !

nice post .....
regarded
 
JAFAR IQBAL
 ID: 091-27-128
Department of Real Estate
Daffodil International University

JAFAR IQBAL
1st Student
Department of Real Estate
Asst.manager(Sales)
Rupayan Group
Cell # 01787147157.
jafar_iqbal@diu.edu.bd

Offline Shamim Ansary

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Re: Office Jokes
« Reply #13 on: October 04, 2010, 04:45:05 PM »
Telephone

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come in to the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."
« Last Edit: October 04, 2010, 04:46:39 PM by Shamim Ansary »
"Many thanks to Allah who gave us life after having given us death and (our) final return (on the Day of Qiyaamah (Judgement)) is to Him"

Offline Shamim Ansary

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Re: Office Jokes
« Reply #14 on: October 04, 2010, 04:46:53 PM »
Pill did Work

Joynal had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss Mr. Harun was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Joynal went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Joynal  slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"
"Many thanks to Allah who gave us life after having given us death and (our) final return (on the Day of Qiyaamah (Judgement)) is to Him"