Author Topic: Office Jokes  (Read 13266 times)

Offline Shamim Ansary

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Re: Office Jokes
« Reply #15 on: October 13, 2010, 02:35:45 PM »
Answering Interview Questions

OFFICER : WHAT IS YOUR NAME ?
Â
CANDIDATE : M P. SIR
Â
OFFICER : TELL ME PROPERLY
Â
CANDIDATE : MOHAN PAL SIR
Â
OFFICER : YOUR FATHER'S NAME ?
Â
CANDIDATE : M P. SIR
Â
OFFICER : WHAT DOES THAT MEAN ?
Â
CANDIDATE : MANMOHAN PAL SIR
Â
OFFICER : YOUR NATIVE PLACE
Â
CANDIDATE : M P. SIR
Â
OFFICER : IS IT MADHYA PRADESH ?
Â
CANDIDATE : NO, MUNNUR PAL SIR
Â
OFFICER : WHAT IS YOUR QUALIFICATION?
Â
CANDIDATE : M P. SIR
Â
OFFICER : (ANGRILY) WHAT IS IT ?
Â
CANDIDATE : MATRIC PASS
Â
OFFICER : WHY DO YOU NEED A JOB ?
Â
CANDIDATE : M P. SIR
Â
OFFICER : AND WHAT DOES THAT MEAN ?
Â
CANDIDATE : MONEY PROBLEM SIR
Â
OFFICER : DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY
Â
CANDIDATE : M P. SIR
Â
OFFICER : EXPLAIN YOURSELF CLEARLY
Â
CANDIDATE : MAGNANIMOUS PERSONALITY SIR
Â
OFFICER : THIS DISCUSSION IS NOWHERE, YOU MAY GO NOW
Â
CANDIDATE : M P. SIR
Â
OFFICER : WHAT IS IT NOW
Â
CANDIDATE : MY PERFORMANCE. ...?
Â
OFFICER : MP !!!
Â
CANDIDATE : WHAT IS THAT SIR..?

OFFICER : MENTALLY PUNCTURED!!!!
"Many thanks to Allah who gave us life after having given us death and (our) final return (on the Day of Qiyaamah (Judgement)) is to Him"

Offline Md. Limon Hossain

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Re: Office Jokes
« Reply #16 on: October 13, 2010, 10:00:48 PM »

COMMENT: M P. SIR

MEANS:   MARVELLOUS POST SIR
Md. Limon Hossain
Department of BBA
ID: 082-11-523
Cell: +8801717885679
E-mail: limon-hossain@diu.edu.bd And limon.hossain@yahoo.com
Daffodil International University

Offline Mostakima Yesmin

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Re: Office Jokes
« Reply #17 on: October 14, 2010, 06:30:26 AM »
How funny... :D :D :D

Thanks Mr. lemon for your nice reply that,
 
COMMENT: M P. SIR

MEANS:   MARVELLOUS POST SIR
Mostakima Yesmin Mita
Dept. of CSE
23rd batch
Daffodil International University.
E-mail: mita_17dhk@yahoo.com
            mostakima@diu.edu.bd

Offline Shah - Al - Mamun

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Re: Office Jokes
« Reply #18 on: October 14, 2010, 02:25:07 PM »
I think this post deserves a LOL 
With best regards,

Offline tamzid_120

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Can u see the girl in this picture ?
« Reply #19 on: October 16, 2010, 12:50:09 PM »
Focus on the black dot in the center for 30 seconds and concentrate......



MOHAMMAD TAMZID SIDDIQUE
DEPARTMENT OF REAL ESTATE
DAFFODIL INTERNATIONAL UNIVERSITY
CELL # 0 1 9 1 1 - 2 0 6 8 1 3
E-MAIL: tamzid@diu.edu.bd
          tamzid@rocketmail.com

Offline jafar_bre

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Re: Office Jokes
« Reply #20 on: October 16, 2010, 01:01:27 PM »
like vamp air .........
JAFAR IQBAL
1st Student
Department of Real Estate
Asst.manager(Sales)
Rupayan Group
Cell # 01787147157.
jafar_iqbal@diu.edu.bd

Offline ashiqbest012

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Re: Office Jokes
« Reply #21 on: October 16, 2010, 06:05:12 PM »
hahahah... nice answer Limon. Good....Anyway, 

Comment:M.P sir

Means: Mindblowing Post sir
Name: Ashiq Hossain
ID: 121-14-696 & 083-11-558
Faculty of Business & Economics
Daffodil International University
Cell:01674-566806

Offline Shamim Ansary

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Re: Office Jokes
« Reply #22 on: October 18, 2010, 09:27:18 AM »
Top job interview questions and answers for manager:

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional manager. Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT difficult. But don't scroll down UNTIL you have answered the question!

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?
Wrong Answer.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend... except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been paying attention? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
"Many thanks to Allah who gave us life after having given us death and (our) final return (on the Day of Qiyaamah (Judgement)) is to Him"

Offline Shamim Ansary

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Re: Office Jokes
« Reply #23 on: November 07, 2010, 03:19:36 PM »
How reports get written

Original reply: Mice have four feet.
Management comment: Elaborate!
Revision 1: Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet.
Comment: No discussion of fifth appendage!
Revision 2: ...
"Many thanks to Allah who gave us life after having given us death and (our) final return (on the Day of Qiyaamah (Judgement)) is to Him"

Offline Shamim Ansary

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Re: Office Jokes
« Reply #24 on: November 09, 2010, 02:03:55 PM »
Recommendation Letter

While working with Mr. Nasim, I have always found him

working studiously and sincerely at his table without idling or

gossiping with colleagues in the office. He seldom

wastes his time on useless things. Given a job, he always

finishes the given assignment in time. He will always be

deeply engrossed in his official work, and can never be

found chit-chatting in the cafeteria. He has absolutely no

vanity in spite of his high accomplishment and profound

knowledge of his field. I think he can easily be

classed as outstanding, and should on no account be

dispensed with. I strongly feel that Mr. Nasim should be

pushed to accept promotion, and a proposal to administration be

sent as soon as possible. Sd/-

Branch Manager

PS: MR. NASIM WAS PRESENT WHEN I WAS WRITING THIS REPORT EARLIER TODAY.
KINDLY READ ONLY THE ALTERNATE (BLACK) LINES 1,3,5... FOR MY TRUE ASSESSMENT OF HIM.

REGARDS

Sd/-
Branch Manager
« Last Edit: November 09, 2010, 02:12:38 PM by Shamim Ansary »
"Many thanks to Allah who gave us life after having given us death and (our) final return (on the Day of Qiyaamah (Judgement)) is to Him"

Offline roman

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Re: Office Jokes
« Reply #25 on: November 21, 2010, 12:45:35 PM »
Jotil post u have done Mr. Ansary.
Fatafati hoyse...............

and limon u have answered very well,  so funny it was

Md.Rokanuzzaman Roman
Assistant Registrar
Daffodil International University
Cell-01713493103
Ext-203
E-mail-deoffice@daffodilvarsity.edu.bd

Offline Shamim Ansary

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Re: Office Jokes
« Reply #26 on: February 07, 2011, 12:11:24 PM »
Employment History

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.

I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

I was a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. It was a so-so job.

I worked in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.

I was a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.

I tried to be a chef. I thought it would add a little spice to my life,but I just didn't have the thyme.

I was a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

I was a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have the patients.

I worked in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I always wanted to be a witch, so I tried that for a spell.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.

I got a job in a health club, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.

I got a job as a historian but I realized there was no future in it.

I was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
"Many thanks to Allah who gave us life after having given us death and (our) final return (on the Day of Qiyaamah (Judgement)) is to Him"

Offline Shamim Ansary

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Re: Office Jokes
« Reply #27 on: February 08, 2011, 02:22:17 PM »
Corporate Lingo

"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM"
We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
"Many thanks to Allah who gave us life after having given us death and (our) final return (on the Day of Qiyaamah (Judgement)) is to Him"

Offline Shamim Ansary

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Re: Office Jokes
« Reply #28 on: February 09, 2011, 03:39:29 PM »
The corporate boat race

An American automobile company and a Japanese auto company decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they were as ready as they could be.

The Japanese team won by a mile.

Afterwards, the American team became discouraged by the loss and their morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team of "Executives" was set up to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action.

Their conclusion: The problem was that the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, whereas the American team had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering. The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure.

After some time and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that "too many people were steering and not enough rowing." To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the management structure was changed to "4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff Steering Manager" and a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a six sigma performer. "We must give him empowerment and enrichment." That ought to do it.

The next year the Japanese team won by two miles.

The American Corporation laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all of the paddles, cancelled all capital investments for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, awarded high performance awards to the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.
"Many thanks to Allah who gave us life after having given us death and (our) final return (on the Day of Qiyaamah (Judgement)) is to Him"

Offline Shamim Ansary

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Re: Office Jokes
« Reply #29 on: February 14, 2011, 05:45:41 PM »
Corporate Lingo

"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM"
We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.

"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
"Many thanks to Allah who gave us life after having given us death and (our) final return (on the Day of Qiyaamah (Judgement)) is to Him"