Author Topic: Office Jokes  (Read 13672 times)

Offline Shamim Ansary

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Re: Office Jokes
« Reply #30 on: February 24, 2011, 11:11:48 AM »
Dead Horse Management

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from one generation to the next, says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

However, in modern business, because of the heavy investment factors to be taken into consideration, often other strategies have to be tried with dead horses, including the following:

1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Threatening the horse with termination.
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
7. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
8. Change the form so that it reads: "This horse is not dead."
9. Hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
10. Harness several dead horses together for increased speed.
11. Donate the dead horse to a recognized charity, thereby
deducting its full original cost.
12. Provide additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
13. Do a time management study to see if lighter riders would improve productivity.
14. Declare that a dead horse has lower overhead and therefore performs better.
15. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.
"Many thanks to Allah who gave us life after having given us death and (our) final return (on the Day of Qiyaamah (Judgement)) is to Him"

Offline Shamim Ansary

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Re: Office Jokes
« Reply #31 on: February 26, 2011, 12:09:55 PM »
Communication Gap

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.
After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out!"
But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'
"Many thanks to Allah who gave us life after having given us death and (our) final return (on the Day of Qiyaamah (Judgement)) is to Him"

Offline Shamim Ansary

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Re: Office Jokes
« Reply #32 on: February 26, 2011, 02:53:10 PM »
Funny Office Pictures

















"Many thanks to Allah who gave us life after having given us death and (our) final return (on the Day of Qiyaamah (Judgement)) is to Him"

Offline Md. Limon Hossain

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Re: Office Jokes
« Reply #33 on: March 07, 2011, 05:19:17 PM »
TeAcHeR: What is Business cycle……….?

StUdEnT: Business cycle is a traditional vehicle which can’t run during HaRtAL.

Md. Limon Hossain
Department of BBA
ID: 082-11-523
Cell: +8801717885679
E-mail: limon-hossain@diu.edu.bd And limon.hossain@yahoo.com
Daffodil International University

Offline Shamim Ansary

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Re: Office Jokes
« Reply #34 on: May 12, 2011, 12:04:00 PM »
An Old Occupation

    What happens when people of different occupations get old.

    - Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.

    - Old actors never die, they just drop apart.

    - Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.

    - Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.

    - Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.

    - Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.

    - Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.

    - Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.

    - Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.

    - Old cashiers never die, they just check out.

    - Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.

    - Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.

    - Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.

    - Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.

    - Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.

    - Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.

    - Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.

    - Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.

    - Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.

    - Old garagemen never die, they just retire.

    - Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.

    - Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.

    - Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.

    - Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.

    - Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.

    - Old investors never die, they just roll over.

    - Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.

    - Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.

    - Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.

    - Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.

    - Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.

    - Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.

    - Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.

    - Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor...

    - Old musicians never die, they just get played out.

    - Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.

    - Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.

    - Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot.

    - Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.

    - Old perfessers never die, they just lose their class.

    - Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.

    - Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.

    - Old policemen never die, they just cop out.

    - Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on....

    - Old printers never die, they're just not the type.

    - Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.

    - Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.

    - Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.

    - Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.

    - Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.

    - Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.

    - Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.

    - Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings.

    - Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.

    - Old Soldiers never die. Young ones do.

    - Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.

    - Old students never die, they just get degraded.

    - Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.

    - Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.

    - Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation.

    - Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.

    - Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.
"Many thanks to Allah who gave us life after having given us death and (our) final return (on the Day of Qiyaamah (Judgement)) is to Him"

Offline Shamim Ansary

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Re: Office Jokes
« Reply #35 on: July 03, 2011, 01:38:11 PM »
Best Candidate

Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."

Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
"Many thanks to Allah who gave us life after having given us death and (our) final return (on the Day of Qiyaamah (Judgement)) is to Him"

Offline Shamim Ansary

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Re: Office Jokes
« Reply #36 on: July 28, 2011, 10:35:56 AM »
Sex of Computers (Part-I)

Computers must be female.  No one but the creator understands their internal logic.  The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.  The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."  Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for later retrieval.  As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.  ~Author Unknown
"Many thanks to Allah who gave us life after having given us death and (our) final return (on the Day of Qiyaamah (Judgement)) is to Him"

Offline Shamim Ansary

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Re: Office Jokes
« Reply #37 on: July 28, 2011, 10:36:24 AM »
Sex of Computers (Part-II)

Computers must be male.  As soon as you commit to one you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.  In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.  Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the day.  ~Author Unknown
"Many thanks to Allah who gave us life after having given us death and (our) final return (on the Day of Qiyaamah (Judgement)) is to Him"

Offline Shamim Ansary

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Re: Office Jokes
« Reply #38 on: September 07, 2011, 05:45:02 PM »
Want a day off work?

.....So you want a day off! Let's take a look at what you are asking for.
There are 365 days per year available for work.
There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.
Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!
"Many thanks to Allah who gave us life after having given us death and (our) final return (on the Day of Qiyaamah (Judgement)) is to Him"

Offline Shamim Ansary

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Re: Office Jokes
« Reply #39 on: September 14, 2011, 03:44:17 PM »
Have a life after death

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied.

"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you
"Many thanks to Allah who gave us life after having given us death and (our) final return (on the Day of Qiyaamah (Judgement)) is to Him"

Offline Shamim Ansary

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Re: Office Jokes
« Reply #40 on: September 14, 2011, 03:49:22 PM »
Being late at work

"Mr Johnson, why are you late at work today?"
"Because yesterday you said that I have to read the newspaper at home."
"Many thanks to Allah who gave us life after having given us death and (our) final return (on the Day of Qiyaamah (Judgement)) is to Him"

Offline farzanamili

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Re: Office Jokes
« Reply #41 on: September 26, 2011, 01:16:35 PM »
Starting salary joke...really I enjoyed. The employer recruited accountant to take his money-worries!  :)
Mirza Farzana Iqbal Chowdhury
Senior Lecturer
Department of Law
Daffodil International University.

Offline roman

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Re: Office Jokes
« Reply #42 on: October 31, 2011, 09:19:02 AM »
   Dad- I want you to marry a girl of my choice
   Son- No
   Dad- The girl is Bill Gates' daughter
   Son- Then Ok
   Dad goes 2 Bill Gates'
   Dad- I want your daughter to marry my son
   Bill Gates- No
   Dad- My son is CEO of the world bank
   Bill Gates- Then ok
   Dad goes 2 the president of the world bank
   Dad- Appoint my son as the CEO of your bank
   President- No
   Dad- He is the Son-in- law of Bill Gates
   President- Then Ok
   This is BUSINESS
Md.Rokanuzzaman Roman
Assistant Registrar
Daffodil International University
Cell-01713493103
Ext-203
E-mail-deoffice@daffodilvarsity.edu.bd

Offline ishaquemijee

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Re: Office Jokes
« Reply #43 on: October 31, 2011, 09:25:51 AM »
Enjoyed

Offline roman

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Re: Office Jokes
« Reply #44 on: October 31, 2011, 12:07:48 PM »
thanks sir
Md.Rokanuzzaman Roman
Assistant Registrar
Daffodil International University
Cell-01713493103
Ext-203
E-mail-deoffice@daffodilvarsity.edu.bd