Author Topic: Career Jokes  (Read 3200 times)

Offline Shamim Ansary

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Career Jokes
« on: February 27, 2011, 01:55:03 PM »
Types of Employee...
   
...  Your boss is the biggest obstacle to workday leisure. He will try to make you work right up to - but not beyond - the point of death. This may not seem like an unfair generalization, because obviously it's more economical for him to push the people who are approaching retirement age a little bit harder.
As an employee, you need a strategy for survival. You need to develop your ability to appear PRODUCTIVE without actually expending time or energy.

Based on painstaking research, it has been concluded that there are three types of employees :
those who work hard regardless of the compensation (IDIOTS)
those who avoid work, thus appearing lazy (IDIOTS)
those who avoid work while somehow appearing to be productive
How to pretend ? here are some tips :

BE A CONSULTANT ON A TEAM:
If you can't be a manager, the next best way to avoid real work is to be an ""adviser"" to people who are doing the real work. Sounds familiar ? That's what your mentors are doing to you, IDIOTS!

CHANGE JOBS FREQUENTLY:
The longer you stay in one job, the more work you'll be asked to do. Sounds familiar ? That's what your mentors are doing ! Two years is the most you should ever spend in the same job. Or else, you will become competent over time, and that's as good as begging for more work.

COMPLAIN CONSTANTLY ABOUT YOUR WORKLOAD:
Take every opportunity to complain the unreasonable demands that are being placed on you. Reinforce your message during every interaction with a co-worker or manager. Over time, these messages will work themselves into the subconcious of everybody around you and they will come to think of you as a hard worker without ever seeing a scrap of physical evidence to support the theory.

ARRIVAL AND DEPARTURE AT MEETING:
Come to the meeting late and leave early. This leaves the impression that you are are so busy you can't do everything. The first part of a meeting is useless and the last part of a meeting is when the assignments are handed out. That is wasted time for a busy person such as yourself.
"Many thanks to Allah who gave us life after having given us death and (our) final return (on the Day of Qiyaamah (Judgement)) is to Him"

Offline Shamim Ansary

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Re: Career Jokes
« Reply #1 on: May 12, 2011, 12:06:19 PM »
Caught & Arrest

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
"Many thanks to Allah who gave us life after having given us death and (our) final return (on the Day of Qiyaamah (Judgement)) is to Him"

Offline Shamim Ansary

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Re: Career Jokes
« Reply #2 on: May 22, 2011, 06:23:38 PM »
Pick a Starting Salary

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young MBA fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The candidate said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"

And the HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it."
"Many thanks to Allah who gave us life after having given us death and (our) final return (on the Day of Qiyaamah (Judgement)) is to Him"

Offline Shamim Ansary

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Re: Career Jokes
« Reply #3 on: July 23, 2011, 10:18:22 AM »
Describe Professions

    What does your profession say about you?

    1. MARKETING - You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

    2. SALES - Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

    3. TECHNOLOGY - Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.

    4. ENGINEERING - One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergo dynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome."

    5. ACCOUNTING - The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

    6. HUMAN RESOURCES - Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.

    7. MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT - Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in you social circle is a "Middle Manager."

    8. SENIOR MANAGEMENT - (See above - Same sign, different title)

    9. CUSTOMER SERVICE - Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.

    10. CONSULTANT - Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.

    11. RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER" - As a "person" that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.

    12. PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO - You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.

    13. GOVERNMENT WORKER - Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job... Thus the term "GO POSTAL"

"Many thanks to Allah who gave us life after having given us death and (our) final return (on the Day of Qiyaamah (Judgement)) is to Him"

Offline Shamim Ansary

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Re: Career Jokes
« Reply #4 on: August 01, 2011, 03:19:50 PM »
Letters to Landlord

    Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords

    The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

    I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfires and burnt my knob off.

    This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

    The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

    I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

    I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

    Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

    The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

    Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk? Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

    Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

    Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny color and not fit to drink.

    Would you please send a man to repair my downspout? I am an old-age pensioner and need it straight away.

    Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

    I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.

    When the workmen were here, they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.
"Many thanks to Allah who gave us life after having given us death and (our) final return (on the Day of Qiyaamah (Judgement)) is to Him"

Offline Shamim Ansary

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Re: Career Jokes
« Reply #5 on: August 18, 2011, 10:09:16 AM »
Play the Office Game

Here's a way to spice up your office. Pick two or three colleagues and agree to play the Office Game which awards points as follows:

ONE POINT

Run one lap around the office at top speed. Walk sideways to the photocopier.

Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.

When they're not looking, pour most of someone's fresh cup of coffee into your mug leaving them with an inch of brew.

Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.

Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."

To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

THREE-POINTS

Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it." - Double points if you do this to a manager.

Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.

Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

FIVE POINTS

At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).

Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'.

Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two".

After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.

While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.

In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, all of you just shut up!"

In a colleague's diary, write in 10 am: "See how I look in tights".

Carry your laptop over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"

Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now"

Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it"

Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc.) during a very important conference call.

Tuck one pant leg into your sock and when queried, answer, "not now" and walk away.
"Many thanks to Allah who gave us life after having given us death and (our) final return (on the Day of Qiyaamah (Judgement)) is to Him"

Offline Shamim Ansary

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Re: Career Jokes
« Reply #6 on: September 07, 2011, 05:48:05 PM »
Have incredible dogs

Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was an engineer who said his dog could do math calculations. His dog was named "T-Square", and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat. The accountant said he thought his dog was better. His dog was named "Slide Rule". He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem. The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His dog "Measure" was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem.

All three men agreed this was very good and that their dogs were equally smart. They all turned to the union member and said, "What can your dog do?". The Teamster called his dog whose name was "Coffee Break" and said, "Show the fellows what you can do". Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, went to the bathroom on the paper, claimed he injured his back while eating, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for Workmen's Compensation and left for home on sick leave.
"Many thanks to Allah who gave us life after having given us death and (our) final return (on the Day of Qiyaamah (Judgement)) is to Him"

Offline proteeti

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Re: Career Jokes
« Reply #7 on: March 28, 2014, 06:02:26 PM »
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Offline A.S. Rafi

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Re: Career Jokes
« Reply #8 on: March 28, 2014, 09:10:34 PM »
interesting , witty , amusing :D
Abu Saleh Md. Rafi
Senior Lecturer,
Department of English.
Faculty of Humanities and Social Sciences
Daffodil International University.

Offline kwnafi

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Re: Career Jokes
« Reply #9 on: July 16, 2014, 10:16:38 PM »
 :D :D
Kawser Wazed Nafi
Lecturer, CSE department
Daffodil International University
nafi.cse@daffodilvarsity.edu.bd

Offline Saujanna Jafreen

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Re: Career Jokes
« Reply #10 on: January 25, 2017, 02:33:57 PM »
interesting................ :D
Saujanna Jafreen
Lecturer
Department of Natural Sciences
FSIT.