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Career Jokes

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Shamim Ansary:
Types of Employee...
   
...  Your boss is the biggest obstacle to workday leisure. He will try to make you work right up to - but not beyond - the point of death. This may not seem like an unfair generalization, because obviously it's more economical for him to push the people who are approaching retirement age a little bit harder.
As an employee, you need a strategy for survival. You need to develop your ability to appear PRODUCTIVE without actually expending time or energy.

Based on painstaking research, it has been concluded that there are three types of employees :
those who work hard regardless of the compensation (IDIOTS)
those who avoid work, thus appearing lazy (IDIOTS)
those who avoid work while somehow appearing to be productive
How to pretend ? here are some tips :

BE A CONSULTANT ON A TEAM:
If you can't be a manager, the next best way to avoid real work is to be an ""adviser"" to people who are doing the real work. Sounds familiar ? That's what your mentors are doing to you, IDIOTS!

CHANGE JOBS FREQUENTLY:
The longer you stay in one job, the more work you'll be asked to do. Sounds familiar ? That's what your mentors are doing ! Two years is the most you should ever spend in the same job. Or else, you will become competent over time, and that's as good as begging for more work.

COMPLAIN CONSTANTLY ABOUT YOUR WORKLOAD:
Take every opportunity to complain the unreasonable demands that are being placed on you. Reinforce your message during every interaction with a co-worker or manager. Over time, these messages will work themselves into the subconcious of everybody around you and they will come to think of you as a hard worker without ever seeing a scrap of physical evidence to support the theory.

ARRIVAL AND DEPARTURE AT MEETING:
Come to the meeting late and leave early. This leaves the impression that you are are so busy you can't do everything. The first part of a meeting is useless and the last part of a meeting is when the assignments are handed out. That is wasted time for a busy person such as yourself.

Shamim Ansary:
Caught & Arrest

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

Shamim Ansary:
Pick a Starting Salary

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young MBA fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The candidate said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"

And the HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it."

Shamim Ansary:
Describe Professions

    What does your profession say about you?

    1. MARKETING - You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

    2. SALES - Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

    3. TECHNOLOGY - Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.

    4. ENGINEERING - One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergo dynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome."

    5. ACCOUNTING - The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

    6. HUMAN RESOURCES - Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.

    7. MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT - Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in you social circle is a "Middle Manager."

    8. SENIOR MANAGEMENT - (See above - Same sign, different title)

    9. CUSTOMER SERVICE - Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.

    10. CONSULTANT - Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.

    11. RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER" - As a "person" that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.

    12. PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO - You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.

    13. GOVERNMENT WORKER - Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job... Thus the term "GO POSTAL"

Shamim Ansary:
Letters to Landlord

    Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords

    The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

    I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfires and burnt my knob off.

    This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

    The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

    I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

    I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

    Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

    The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

    Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk? Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

    Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

    Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny color and not fit to drink.

    Would you please send a man to repair my downspout? I am an old-age pensioner and need it straight away.

    Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

    I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.

    When the workmen were here, they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

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