Right now, think of the worst thing anyone has ever done to you. Think about how it’s still hurting you to this day. Think of how much it has robbed you of over the months and years.
Picture that person in your mind right now. Can you forgive them?
It’s never easy to forgive someone who did you wrong, especially when you know that person isn’t even sorry for what they did, or at least isn’t aware of how badly they hurt you.
But think about it: They’re out there, living out their lives, oblivious to how you’re feeling… while you’re here harboring a grudge, and letting your bad feelings slow you down and hold you back from achieving the kind of success and happiness you want.
We tend to think of forgiveness as a spiritual concept, but it is absolutely a psychological one as well. Consider the following definition: Forgiveness is “not condoning, excusing or forgetting what happened,” rather it is the decrease or elimination of “resentment or anger toward an offender,” which is replaced by “more positive feelings, thoughts, and behaviors” (Knutson, Enright and Garbers, 2008). Isn’t that the point of psychotherapy and counseling, to be happier?
I actually believe this is an advanced adult skill. It takes commitment, willingness, action, intention and energy. It’s also important to note that if you have been abused or traumatized in any way and you are having an adverse reaction to the idea of forgiving, that means that it’s time for you to work on your healing first and foremost!
The practice of forgiveness is actually an act of self-interest and not about another person. It frees you because harboring resentments is like that saying about taking poison and expecting the other person to suffer. Resentments steal your joy. We can have joy or we can have resentments. We can’t have both. That is why practicing forgiveness of ourselves and others is crucial and how forgiveness relates to counseling.
Reference: Journal of Counseling and Development, 2008: Validating the Developmental Pathway of Forgiveness by Jeanette Knutson, Robert Enright, and Benjamin Garbers.
