I have a boyfriend who grew up with me. His name is Jin. I always thought of him as a friend until last year, when we went to a trip from a club. I found that I fell in love with him.
Before that trip was over, I took a step and confessed my love for him. And soon, we became a pair of lovers, but we loved each other in different ways. I always concentrated on him only, but by his side, there were so many other girls. To me, he was the only one, but to him, maybe I was just another girlâ€¦
â€œJin, do you want to go watch a movie?â€ I asked.
â€œWhy? You need to study at home?â€ I felt disappointment
â€œNoâ€¦ I am going to meet a friendâ€¦â€
He was always like that. He met girls in front of me, like it was nothing. To him, I was just a girlfriend. The word â€˜loveâ€™ only came out from my mouth. Since I knew him, I had never heard him say â€˜I love youâ€™ before. To us, there werenâ€™t any anniversaries at all.
He didnâ€™t say anything from the first day and it continued till 100 daysâ€¦200daysâ€¦ Every day, before we say goodbye, he would just hand me a doll, everyday, without fail. I donâ€™t know whyâ€¦
Then one dayâ€¦
Me: Um, Jin, I â€¦
Jin: Whatâ€¦donâ€™t drag, just say..
Me: I love you.
Jin: â€¦â€¦youâ€¦.um, just take this doll and go home.
That was how he ignored my â€˜three wordsâ€™ and handed me the doll. Then he disappeared, like he was running away. The dolls I received from him every day filled my room, one by one. There were manyâ€¦
Then one day came, my 15th year old birthday. When I got up in the morning, I pictured a party with him, and stranded myself in my room, waiting for his call. Butâ€¦ lunch passed, dinner passedâ€¦ and soon the sky was darkâ€¦ he still didnâ€™t call. It was already tiring to look at the phone anymore. Then around 2am in the morning, he suddenly called me and woke me from my sleep. He told me to come out of the house. Still, I felt joy and I ran out happily.
Jin: Hereâ€¦take thisâ€¦
Again, he handed me a little doll.
Me: Whatâ€™s this?
Jin: I didnâ€™t give it to you yesterday, so I am giving it to you now. Iâ€™m going home now, bye.
Me: Wait, wait! Do you know what today is?
Jin: Today? Huh?
I felt so sad; I thought he would remember my birthday. He turned around and walked away like nothing had happen. Then I shoutedâ€¦ â€œWaitâ€¦â€
Jin: You have something to say?
Me: Tell me; tell me you love meâ€¦
Me: Tell me
I put my pathetic self behind and clung on to him. But he just said simple cold words and left.
â€œI donâ€™t want to sayâ€¦that I love someone so easily, if you are desperate to hear it, and then find someone else.â€
That was what he said. Then he ran off. My legs felt numbâ€¦ and I collapsed to the ground. He didnâ€™t want to say it easilyâ€¦ How could heâ€¦. I felt thatâ€¦ Maybe he is not the right guy for meâ€¦
After that day, I stranded myself at home crying, just crying. He didnâ€™t call me, although I was waiting. He just continued handing me a little doll every morning outside my house. Thatâ€™s how those dolls piled up in my roomâ€¦ every day.
After a month, I got myself together and went to school. But what made the pain resurface was thatâ€¦ I saw him on a streetâ€¦ with another girlâ€¦ He had a smile on his face, one that he never showed meâ€¦as he touched the dollâ€¦ I ran straight back home and looked at the dolls in my room, and tears fellâ€¦ Why did he give these to meâ€¦ Those dolls are probably picked out by some other girlsâ€¦In a fit of anger, I threw the dolls around. Then suddenly, the phone rang. It was him.
He told me to come out to the bus stop outside my house. I tried to calm myself down and walked to the bus stop. I kept reminding myself that I am going to forget him, thatâ€¦ itâ€™s going to end. Then he came into my sight, holding a big doll.
Jin: Jo, I thought you were pissed, you really came?
I couldnâ€™t help hating him, acting like nothing had happen and joking around. Soon, he held out the doll as usualâ€¦
Me: I donâ€™t need it.
I grabbed the doll from his hands and threw it on the road.
Me: I donâ€™t need this doll, I donâ€™t need it anymore!! I donâ€™t want to see a person like you again!
I spitted out all the words that were inside me. But unlike other days, his eyes very shaking.
He apologized in a tiny voice.
He then walked over to the road to pick up the dollâ€¦
Me: You stupid! Why are you picking up the doll?! Just throw it away!!!
But he ignored me and just went to pick the doll. Thenâ€¦
With a loud honk, a big truck was heading towards him.
â€œJin! Move! Move away!â€ I shoutedâ€¦
But he didnâ€™t hear me, he squatted down and picked up the doll.
â€œBoom!â€ That sound, so terrifying.
Thatâ€™s how he went away from me.
Thatâ€™s how he went away without even opening his eyes to say one word to me.
After that day, I had to go through every day with guiltiness and the sadness of losing himâ€¦ And after spending two months like a crazy personâ€¦ I took out the dolls.
Those were the only gifts he left me since the day we started going out. I remembered the days I spent with him and started to count the daysâ€¦ when we were in loveâ€¦
That was howâ€¦ I started to count the dollsâ€¦
â€œFour hundred and eighty fourâ€¦ four hundred and eighty
It all ended with 485 dolls.
I then started to cry again, with a doll in my arms. I hugged it tightly, then suddenlyâ€¦
â€œI love you~, I love you~â€
I dropped the dolls, shocked.
I picked up the dolls and pressed its stomach.
â€œI love you~ I love you~â€
It canâ€™t be! I pressed all the dollsâ€™ stomach as it piled on the side.
â€œI love you~â€
â€œI love you~â€
â€œI love you~â€
Those words came out non-stop. Iâ€¦love youâ€¦ Why didnâ€™t I realize thatâ€¦.That his heart was always by my side, protecting me. Why didnâ€™t I realize that he loves me this muchâ€¦ I took out the doll under the bed and pressed its stomach,
which was the last doll, the one that fell on the road. It had his blood stain on it. The voice came out, the one that I was missing so muchâ€¦
â€œJoâ€¦Do you know what today is? Weâ€™ve loved each other for 486 days. Do you know what 486 is? I couldnâ€™t say I love youâ€¦. Umâ€¦ since I was too shyâ€¦ If you forgive me and take this doll, I will say that I love youâ€¦ everydayâ€¦ till I dieâ€¦ Joâ€¦ I love youâ€¦â€
The tears came flowing out of me. Why? Why? I asked god, why do I only know about all this now? He canâ€™t be by my side, but he loved me until his last minuteâ€¦
For thatâ€¦ and for that reasonâ€¦ to meâ€¦ it became courageâ€¦ to live a beautiful lifeâ€¦.